Mars: Top Lad of the Gods
by LaxusPlayer
Summary: Just another take on how the conversation with Mars about the Prophesy in "Son of Neptune" could have gone.


Mars: Top Lad of the Gods

_A/N: So I Genuinely Don't Know got me reading the Percy Jackson series. Currently half way through Mark of Athena, but since waiting to borrow books is a thing I occasionally have a bit of free time on my hands and well, it got me thinking; maybe I could try and take the piss out of this series too. Don't get me wrong, I love it to bits, but being someone like myself who is inclined to dickery and bad writing I just couldn't resist. Anyways enough about my lame ass, here's the fic..._

"Erm...guys..." The celebrating Romans stopped what they were doing and turned to what can only be described as a truly awesome sight. Walking towards them was an eight foot tall man in a sharply dressed business suit, sporting some sick aviator shades and an AK-47 rifle that was slung over one of his huge, broad shoulders.

Reyna recognised him instantly. "This...everyone kneel!"

The other legionnaires responded immediately, getting down on the ground and turning their faces towards the earth. Well, all of them except the new comer.

"Dude you're not my Mom so don't tell me what to do!"

Frank looked up at his new friend in shock. "Percy!" He hissed, "That looks like Mars, the god of war. If you don't kneel he'll probably vaporise you on the spot!"

"Plus you're disobeying a direct order from a Praetor." Hazel added, although her face was still turned down. "This could get you into serious trouble!"

"Well well well, if it isn't Pissy Jerkcunt!" A voice boomed and the three jumped in surprise. "Still an insufferable twat like usual."

Everyone held back a collective gasp while Percy just stood there in shock. "Erm...do I know you?"

"Sadly for me, yes. But I didn't come here for story time so make like your mother last night and get on your knees." The young demi god was flustered, but he obeyed. "Ok kids, story time. Everything is going to shit and you're going to fix it. Now...ok you know what, this is weird. Stand up you idiots...well, not you Pissy. You stay riiiight there."

There were mumbles of amazement that spread through the ranks, but they all complied. "Tell us Lord Mars, how may we help you?"

"Well for a start Octavian you can shut the fuck up." The god snorted and a few giggles came from some of the campers. "Apollo is going to be having a talk with you soon enough about your extra curricular activities. The holes you put in those teddies aren't supposed to be used like that..."

"Apologies for interrupting Lord Mars, but we have wounded that need treating." If anyone had doubted Reyna's courage before that point, that doubt was just eliminated.

"Yeah yeah whatever." Mars waved his hand to both shush her and summon a huge black chair for him to sit on. This was going to be a long talk. "Trust me, you've got plenty of time to deal with that. Now I know some of you aren't doctors, but you must have realised that that girl should be dead by now, right?" Everyone nodded. "That's the problem; death got fucked up."

"How can death get fucked up?!" Percy asked and was rewarded with feet on his back.

Mars smirked. "You know even though you suck, you make a pretty good foot stool." The teenager under his feet shuffled uncomfortably but stayed put. "But yeah, not gonna lie man, I was the same. I went straight up to Jupiter and asked 'Dad, how can death fuck up?!' Know what he told me? 'Stop asking stupid questions and go do something about it.'"

"So he didn't know then?"

"No Pissy he didn't. Also you can stand up now; it's fucking stupid talking to a foot stool." The boy in question was off the ground like a shot and glaring at the god, who just smiled and flipped him off in return. "Love you too sugar plum. Anyways back to the plot. So naturally I dick around for a few weeks with Venus before I end up bumping into Neptune. So after a few weeks of chilling with him I finally decide to come visit you runts and now here I am."

"...Lord Mars, what is wrong with death then?" Hazel tentatively asked.

"Good question, but I'm just going to field this one to closet case up there. Hey Nico!" He called to the small boy hiding in the observation tower. "Get that cucumber out of your ass and come say hi to the nice people."

There was a hurried scurrying sound and Nico suddenly appeared before everyone. "So...what do you need me for?"

Mars nodded towards his sister and she cleared her throat. "Apparently death has stopped working."

"Yeah that's a thing."

"Wait, you knew?!" Frank shouted out, putting any thoughts of deities from his mind. "Why the hell didn't you tell us?"

"Language Frank!" Hazel chided, but her she gave her brother a disapproving look.

Nico shrugged. "Didn't have to. I was going to just solo the thing after I left but then this douche came and spoiled it all."

The war god gave him a thumbs up. "Thought I told you to take the cucumber out of your ass kid. Judging by the face you're making now its still up there."

"I can remove it and beat you to death with it if you like?"

"He he I like this kid. Nico D'Angelo; not a known giver of fucks, even to gods. You all can learn a thing or two from him."

"Hey I hate you just as much!" Percy interjected. "Although I don't know why..."

"It's because fuck you Jerkcunt, now lemmie think. Was kinda counting on Angel Cake to just tell you all but I guess I'll have to instead; Thanantos is captured."

The previously restrained collective gasp was finally released. There were several cries of "impossible" and "how is this even a thing?", but they were soon silenced when Reyna raised her hand. "Tell us then, Lord Mars, how are we going to rectify this?"

"Basically, right, you're going on a quest to fix this shit."

Nico rolled his eyes. "So you're using people to mop up your mess? Real original."

"Coming from the son of Pluto? Let's face it kid; you got nothing on us this time."

Nico opened his mouth to reply, but shut it again quickly. Octavian on the other hand decided to speak instead. "My Lord, are you proposing a quest then? If so, I shall go and fetch some stuffed animals immediately..."

"NO! JUPITER FUCK NO!" The war god cried, jumping off his throne to restrain the skinny teen. "I swear to Pluto if you bring any of those ungodly things near me, especially the Rainbow Dash plushie, I'll burn you and the rest of your family. And friends. And the city you were born in. Fuck it, everything burns."

"But Lord Mars, a prophesy is usually given..."

The god had to restrain himself from snapping the boys neck. "Pfft fine. So...anyone got a pen and some sort of paper?" There was a collective shaking of heads. "Not even you Jerkcunt? I thought you had that sword pen thingy on you all the time?"

"I do but its just a sword."

"...Jupiter's sake, fuck this." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a hand grenade. When he proceeded to pull the pin, Octavian and everyone within a five meter radius literally shit themselves, much to the god's amusement. "I'll have to thank Neptune for the cold. Anyways here goes nothing..."

After a minute of thinking then five seconds of furious scribbling on the male Praetor's face, he picked the boy up and threw him in front of Frank, Hazel, Nico and Percy. As the boy staggered to his feet, the people around him read the message; 'Everyone go north you dumb fucks and help this cunt'.

After a minute of pure awe, silence and in the case of Nico laughter, he was the first to speak. "...I'm not even mad. Hell why can't you write all the prophesies?"

"Because everyone else up there sucks." Mars answered then looked expectantly at Hazel. "Well; this good enough for your five dollar ass or do I have to make change?"

"Erm...Lord Mars..." She did have things to say, but she thought it better than to try and correct a god too many times.

Percy on the other hand was a dumb fucker. "This is bullshit! Who the hell are you choosing on the quest? And where up north are we going? We don't even know who we're fighting!"

"God you mortals and your minor details! I never get this shit from monsters!"

"Or me." Nico added before deciding to fill them in because lets face it, Nico knows everything. "You'll be fighting Alcyoneus, the oldest and fanciest fucker the Giants have. He's supposed to fuck over death, which was why I was going to kick his sorry ass myself until his Dickness came. He's currently chilling in Alaska with Thanantos and being a general pussy since while he's there he can't die. There's probably some more giants dicking about somewhere but we can't kill them for good unless we get our star player back in the game. As for who's going..."

"Frank my boy, this is a thing and you're doing it."

Frank stared at the god with a mixture of horror and sadness. "Lord Mars, what do you...?"

"Well you're my kid. Fucking rockstar one at that by the way you played that game. MVP shit that was. Have they given you the medal yet?"

"I'm afraid not..." Reyna attempted to answer but was immediately cut off.

"Have a fucking Snickers instead then. You'll need some nuts on this bullshit quest thing. Oh and take this." He took off his rifle and passed it to Frank. In mid air it transformed into a giant spear with a bone sticking out of the end of it. "That thing has like three charges in it so be cool with it."

"Isn't that sort of cheating giving the hero an over powered weapon?" Nico asked.

Mars shrugged. "Well I actually want this quest to go well and to me there is nothing wrong with a few game changing moves. Besides, Katniss over here needs to learn how to use a fucking manly weapon. Also he needs to stop crushing on some dead chick and..."

"Thank you so much father!" Frank quickly put in before his love life was completely exposed. "Now who will I be going with?"

Again his found his father shrugging. "I dunno man. Take the girl if you want and...erm...Nico, you up for this?"

"No this is your gig now; you sort it." And with that Nico walked into the shadow of the throne and gave up on that day.

Mars sighed. "Damned shadow travellers, always with the badass leaving. Fuck it; Pissy, you're up. Maybe you'll finally learn to be half as cool as me."

"Erm...ok then." Percy just rolled with it. After the whole memory loss and battles, all he really wanted to do was go back to sleep.

"Awesome. Well, later bitches!" And with a puff of smoke and the sound of cannons, he was gone.

By this point everyone was confused. "So...quest time right?"

Hazel face palmed. "Why didn't I just stay dead?!"

_A/N: Well there this goes. Sleep deprivation + typing isn't a good combo. If there's any thing else you want me to do just say so I can do it :) Read, review and recommend_


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